After I have typed the header for my blog, I have been sitting in front of my laptop for the last 15 minutes thinking how to start writing my entry. I was involved in a minor accident. Just a very minor one near my condo. No one was hurt. Minimal damage on the car too. However, I couldn’t remember anything. The next few days, I was just crying non-stop and I don’t know why. I am not sure if this is what you call depression. Or emotional distress? If you are reading my blog, why don’t you tell me what is wrong with me.
What happened to me?
I am not sure if you call this post natal depression. Does it apply 11 months after you give birth? Or I am just really stressed up? Right after the accident, based on whatever I can recall, I drove to the side and stopped my car. Baby A was still in her car seat at the back. I came down from my car and waited for the other party to come over to talk to me/ discuss on what we should do.
Good thing was, the accident happened inside my condo. So the security guards were there and they came to help out. I went down and the first thing I did was checked the damage on my car. My number plate was missing. The security guard brought my number plate to me. It actually flew out during the accident when the other car grazed through my front bumper! After around 3 minutes, the lady driver just stood at her car on the other side of the road, checking her phone, looking at her car and totally ignored me, as if I was invisible. That was when Baby A started to get upset, (after being in the car alone for too long) and started crying.
What should I do now? Why is baby crying? Why must she cry now? I am trying to think. Should I carry her out? Why isn’t the lady coming over to settle this? What should I do?
Those thoughts kept repeating in my head. I finally carried Baby A out of the car and walk towards the lady. I asked her if she wanted to lodge a police report or what does she want to do. She simply ignored me and said “I don’t think we need to make a report, it is not that serious”. She then continued arguing on who is right and wrong and finally told me that she doesn’t want to discuss further and drove off.
All I could think about was Baby A. I recall that I kept telling myself “I need to bring her home”. She was so uncomfortable and she kept crying. I tried to put her back in her car seat but she refused. She held on to me so tightly like a koala bear and refused to let go. I had to force her to sit still and put the safety belt on her. I kept apologizing to her saying I am sorry and just ask her to wait for a while, we will be home soon.
I was about to drive off, then I wind down my window and asked the guards, what was the other car’s number plate.
Are you serious?
Yes, I am dead serious that the number plate wasn’t the first thing I looked at. To be honest, I don’t even remember what I was looking at. When I reached home, hubs asked me the following questions:
- What car was it?
- How bad was the other car’s damage?
- Did you take any photos?
- So what exactly happened? Did you see her coming?
My answer to all 5 questions was “I don’t know“. Period. I really don’t know what happened. I can’t remember how it happened too.
Surprisingly, that night I continued my daily life as usual. I fed Baby A her food. I usually don’t cook but that night, I have decided to cook and so I made pasta for dinner. Then, I washed the plates and baby bottles, washed baby clothes and hang them. After that, it was time for Baby A to sleep, I latched her and accompanied her until she fell asleep. But something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel like talking at all. I just did what I am supposed to do without saying a word.
The next day
I woke up (tired) as usual. I asked Hubs to send Baby A to daycare. After they left the house, I went to shower. Suddenly, tears were rolling down my cheek. Non-stop. I started crying and hyperventilating. (the last time I felt like this was when grandma passed away). I squat in my shower and just cried. I don’t actually know why I was crying, I just felt really really upset and tired.
I called my office and inform them that I am taking 2 days leave. To fix my car and also to sort out what is wrong with me. I was thinking if I should go see a doctor.
I sat on my bed and tears just kept flowing out from my eyes. Seriously, I made like tonnes of “wantons” as I cried. When I finally calmed down, I called my dad to ask which workshop should I go to fix the car. As I was talking to dad, I started to choke on my words and I knew I was going to cry AGAIN. I just told dad, “thanks” and hang up the phone quickly. I didn’t want him to know that I was crying.
I went to the workshop and fixed my car. I went home, sat in my living room and cried again. I went to my condo’s management office to have a look at the CCTV on what happened last night. Now, everything seems clearer and definitely the lady was at fault for not slowing down in the condo area. But, I went to see the CCTV not because I wanted to check whose fault it was, just wanted to know what actually happened. My mind was just a piece of blank sheet after the accident. I feel more relieved after that.
In the evening, I went to pick Baby A as usual from the daycare, had our dinner and went home. Baby A was crankier than usual. We put her in her cage (something new we got). She just kept crying and wanting attention. Hubs wasn’t feeling well and went to bed early. Baby A continued crying and wailing whenever I leave her in the playpen to do my stuff (washing dishes, express milk, check my phone, etc)
Yes, I did. I did sit inside the play pen and cried with Baby A. However, when I started tearing, Baby A stopped and looked at me. She didn’t know what was happening. She just went to me and wanted me to hug her. I realised that I shouldn’t be such a weakling in front of my girl. So I stopped, blow my nose and wipe my tears. Then, I carried her to the room and put her to bed. She fell asleep after 30 minutes.
However, at 3.00am, she woke up and started crying. I thought she just wanted milk so I let her latch on for milk. She went back to sleep after 15 minutes. I carried her and put her back in her cot, “all hell break loose” as she started screaming the moment I put her down. Hubs was so tired/sick that he continued sleeping and snoring. I tried to pacify her but she wouldn’t stop. Then I latched her again and she calmed down. She wouldn’t go back to sleep. Then, I just let her play on our bed, crawling and climbing. After 20 minutes, she was tired again and slept. 5.30am, she woke up crying. I was really really tired. Managed to calm her down and she went back to sleep till 8.00am.
Why is this happening to me?
When Baby A finally slept at around 4.00am, I went out of the room to get a cup of water. I sat down in the dining area, drinking my cup of water and started crying again. That was when I was just getting angry, mad, upset, emotional, unhappy and sent a message to hubs.
The next morning, hubs came to me and gave me a hug. Asked me what’s wrong. I burst out crying again, almost suffocating while telling him that I am so tired and have been crying non-stop in the last 2 days. But I don’t know exactly why I am crying.
In the end, I think that I was kind of emotional and was just reaaly really tired. The lack of sleep wasn’t helping either. 2 nights before the accident, Baby A vomited on our bed and we had to change the sheets, clean her up and all at 1.00am. Then she peed on her bed at 3.00am and we almost lost it at that time. I think I was already on the verge of crying then.
So after the accident, I just felt overwhelmed and that I was in a blank state during the accident made me feel even worse. I don;t know if this is depression. I am better now. Not crying anymore. Hubs also bought dashcam to fix on my car.
However, this experience taught me a lesson. I may have buried my own feelings too much since Baby A was born. I do bitch about things and complain once in a while but I have never shown my emotion. I think about grandma all the time and my heart aches like hell but I didn’t dare to let anyone know, because I don’t think they will understand. And one day, it just cannot be contained anymore and there’s just no more space in me to bury those feelings that it burst.
At the end of the day, I need to know that I matter. Even if I don’t think so, I think it does. It matters to my husband or to Baby A and even my family members, they do care. I just need to let them know.
PS: I have posted this up without any filter nor did I proof-read it. It was just what I was feeling in the past few days. But I know for sure that this is something I should always remember and decided to just post it anyway. Not sure if this will help anyone, but it did (kind of, in a way) helped me feel better.